Couples Counselling in Hertford
When your relationship feels stuck
Relationships can become difficult for many different reasons.
Sometimes there has been a significant event such as an affair, betrayal, bereavement or major life change.
At other times there isn’t one particular event.
Instead, communication has gradually deteriorated. The same arguments happen repeatedly. You feel increasingly distant from one another, intimacy has changed or it seems impossible to discuss certain subjects without ending up in conflict.
You may still love each other while wondering:
“How did we get here?”
I provide couples counselling in Hertford, Hertfordshire, offering a confidential space where both of you can begin understanding what is happening within your relationship and consider what needs to change.
Why do couples come to counselling?
You don’t need to wait until your relationship is at breaking point.
Couples come to counselling for many different reasons, including:
- communication difficulties
- frequent arguments or conflict
- feeling emotionally disconnected
- affairs, infidelity or betrayal
- loss of trust
- difficulties with intimacy or sex
- jealousy or insecurity
- parenting disagreements
- alcohol or drug problems affecting the relationship
- financial pressures
- significant life changes
- difficulties involving wider family
- different expectations of the relationship
- considering separation
- trying to rebuild a relationship following a crisis.
Sometimes couples struggle to explain exactly what is wrong.
They simply know that the relationship doesn’t feel as it once did.
The same argument again and again
Many couples become trapped in repetitive patterns.
The subject of the argument may change, but underneath it the interaction can be remarkably similar.
One person may push for a conversation while the other withdraws.
The more one person withdraws, the harder the other pushes.
Eventually one person may become angry, defensive or shut down completely.
Both people leave the conversation feeling misunderstood.
Neither person necessarily intends to create this pattern.
Yet once established, each person’s response can unintentionally trigger the other’s.
Couples counselling gives us an opportunity to slow these interactions down and understand what is happening between you, rather than simply deciding who was right in the latest argument.
Communication problems
Couples are often told they need to “communicate better.”
But communication involves considerably more than learning the right words.
How we communicate can be influenced by our previous relationships, family experiences, expectations, insecurities and the way we respond when we feel hurt, rejected or threatened.
You may find yourself:
criticising • becoming defensive • withdrawing • avoiding difficult conversations • raising your voice • shutting down • repeatedly seeking reassurance
These behaviours often make more sense when we understand what is happening underneath them.
Anger, for example, may sometimes protect feelings of hurt.
Withdrawal may be an attempt to prevent further conflict.
Repeated questioning may come from fear or insecurity.
Understanding the function of these responses can create opportunities to communicate differently.
Affairs, infidelity and betrayal
Discovering an affair or another significant betrayal can completely destabilise a relationship.
For the person who has been betrayed, there may be shock, anger, sadness and an overwhelming need to understand what happened.
You might repeatedly ask questions, check information or struggle to believe what your partner tells you.
The person who had the affair may experience guilt, shame, defensiveness or frustration at repeatedly returning to what happened.
Both people can become trapped.
Couples counselling provides a structured space in which we can begin exploring what has happened and what it means for the relationship.
The immediate goal does not have to be “saving the relationship.”
Initially, it may simply be creating enough safety for both people to begin having conversations that are currently impossible outside the counselling room.
Can trust be rebuilt?
Trust usually cannot be restored simply by agreeing to “move on.”
It often needs to be rebuilt through behaviour, communication, consistency and time.
Following betrayal, one partner may want reassurance while the other desperately wants life to return to normal.
Moving too quickly can leave the injured partner feeling that their experience has been dismissed.
Remaining permanently focused on the betrayal can also prevent the relationship from developing.
Counselling can help us explore what rebuilding trust would actually require for your relationship.
Emotional and physical intimacy
Relationships can also become distant without dramatic conflict.
You may function well as parents, manage a home together and organise everyday life while gradually feeling more like colleagues or housemates than partners.
Affection may reduce.
Sex may become infrequent or stop completely.
Conversations become practical rather than personal.
This can happen gradually enough that neither person notices exactly when things changed.
Couples counselling allows us to explore emotional and physical intimacy without assuming that there is one correct way a relationship should look.
Understanding each other’s experience
One of the difficulties in relationship conflict is that both people can experience the same event very differently.
You may be completely convinced of your interpretation.
Your partner may be equally convinced of theirs.
Couples counselling is not a courtroom where I decide who is right.
My role is to help us understand what is happening between you.
That includes making room for both perspectives while also being willing to recognise behaviours and patterns that may be damaging the relationship.
Understanding another person’s experience does not necessarily mean agreeing with everything they have done.
It means becoming curious about what is happening underneath the conflict.
My specialist training in couples counselling
Alongside my core counselling training and wider therapeutic experience, I undertook 12 months of specialist couples training at The Gestalt Centre.
This training developed my understanding of working therapeutically with relationships and the interaction that takes place between two people, rather than approaching couples counselling as two separate pieces of individual therapy happening in the same room.
A Gestalt-informed approach places importance on what is happening within the relationship in the present moment.
We may notice patterns in how you communicate, how each of you responds to conflict, where contact begins to break down and what happens emotionally when difficult subjects arise.
Rather than simply looking for somebody to blame, we can become interested in the relationship you create together and the patterns that both of you have become caught within.
My wider integrative counselling experience also allows me to adapt the work according to the people and difficulties in front of me rather than applying one rigid model to every couple.
Your individual histories matter too
Every relationship contains more than the two people sitting in the room.
We each bring our previous experiences with us.
The relationships we observed growing up, previous partners, experiences of rejection or betrayal, loss, trauma and our expectations about love can all influence how we respond within adult relationships.
For example, one partner may experience distance as extremely threatening while another copes with conflict by needing space.
Neither response necessarily began in the current relationship.
Understanding where these patterns come from can help both partners stop interpreting every reaction as a deliberate attack or rejection.
Where previous trauma is significantly affecting the relationship, this may also be something we consider therapeutically.
You can read more about my specialist Trauma Counselling in Hertford.
→ Link this to the Trauma page.
Addiction and relationships
Alcohol or drug use can place enormous pressure on relationships.
Trust may have been damaged by secrecy, relapse, financial problems or behaviour while drinking or using drugs.
The non-using partner can gradually find themselves monitoring, checking, rescuing or trying to control the other person’s behaviour.
Meanwhile, the entire relationship can become organised around addiction.
Because of my extensive professional background in addiction treatment, this is an area I am particularly familiar with.
Depending on what is happening, couples counselling may form part of the work, or more specialist individual/addiction support may be appropriate.
I also provide dedicated support for individuals and families affected by addiction.
→ This gives us a natural internal link to your Addiction & Family Support page.
What happens in couples counselling?
Initially, I will want to understand what has brought you to counselling and hear from both of you.
We will begin exploring the difficulties you are experiencing, what each of you hopes might change and some of the patterns that have developed within the relationship.
Sessions provide an opportunity to talk about subjects that may have become difficult to discuss at home.
My role isn’t to take sides.
Nor is couples counselling about deciding which person is responsible for all of the relationship’s problems.
We are trying to understand the relationship itself:
What happens between you?
What triggers conflict?
How does each person respond?
What isn’t being communicated?
What does each of you need from the relationship?
And importantly:
What are you both prepared to do differently?
What if one of us isn’t sure about the relationship?
You do not have to enter couples counselling having already decided to stay together.
Sometimes one person is committed to repairing the relationship while the other is uncertain.
Sometimes both people are unsure.
That uncertainty can be part of the counselling.
Rather than forcing an immediate decision, therapy can provide somewhere to properly understand what has happened, what remains between you and whether the relationship can realistically meet the needs of both people.
In some circumstances, the work may eventually involve considering how to separate as respectfully as possible rather than how to remain together.
The purpose of couples counselling is not to preserve every relationship at any cost.
Is couples counselling confidential?
Confidentiality and boundaries are particularly important when working with couples.
At the beginning of our work, we will discuss how couples counselling operates, the boundaries around sessions and how information is managed.
This helps ensure both partners understand the therapeutic agreement before we begin exploring sensitive issues.
There are also circumstances where confidentiality may need to be considered differently because of significant concerns about safety or safeguarding, which I will explain clearly when we establish our work together.
When couples counselling may not be appropriate
Couples counselling isn’t appropriate in every situation.
Where there is ongoing domestic abuse, coercive control, serious intimidation or significant concerns about one partner’s safety, standard couples counselling may not provide a safe therapeutic environment.
Similarly, there may be circumstances where acute mental health difficulties or severe substance dependence need to be addressed alongside, or before, relationship work.
We can consider this during our initial conversations rather than assuming couples therapy is automatically the right intervention.
About my counselling approach
I am a qualified counsellor and BACP Registered Member, with more than a decade of counselling experience alongside my wider work within addiction and residential treatment services.
My practice is integrative and humanistic, with additional specialist training in areas including couples work and complex trauma.
This allows me to look beyond the immediate argument and consider the emotional, relational and sometimes historical experiences influencing what is happening between you.
You can read more about my experience, qualifications and therapeutic approach on my About ACS page.
→ Link that sentence to About ACS.
Taking the first step
Deciding to contact a couples counsellor can feel significant.
One of you may be much more comfortable with the idea than the other.
You don’t need to arrive with a perfectly agreed explanation of the problem.
That is part of what we can begin exploring together.
Free 15-minute introductory call
I offer a free 15-minute introductory telephone call to discuss what has brought you to couples counselling and whether working together may be appropriate.
Couples counselling is available face-to-face in Hertford, Hertfordshire.
Ready to talk?
Get in touch to arrange an introductory conversation.
→ Link Get in touch to your Contact page.